I need to start out this blog with a rather cliche statement of: I never in a million years thought I would ever be a student missionary. And when I say that, trust me, I really, ~really~ mean it. To be terribly honest, I never thought that my relationship with God would be "good enough" to even be considered worthy to serve and represent Him. In hindsight, I realize how foolish and degrading those thoughts were to me.
Since being raised in the Adventist church, I grew up always attending church and frequently attending vespers while in high school, though never for the right reasons. I was never very involved in the church unless, of course, there was opportunity to socialize or for other selfish reasons. Throughout adolescence, I never grasped the importance of having a personal relationship with God despite being stuffed full of prayer meetings, sermons, and weeks at summer camp. Over and over I would experience superficial spiritual revival, only to fall back into feeling comfortable being immersed in worldly behavior.
The worldly habits of mine climaxed my freshman year at Southern. I was constantly choosing to hang out with the crowd that made dumb and selfish decisions. I chose to look away from God and look towards the world. That behavior continued until I was abruptly crushed emotionally, mentally, & spiritually (shocker). That is how God has historically worked in my life. I run so fast and hard away from Him because I think that being of the world is more enjoyable than being His disciple, and then He proceeds to (lovingly) smack me out of it, to which I am eternally grateful for.
How lucky are we to have a Savior that cares for us enough to smack us over the head with His love?
Don't get me wrong I wasn't magically transformed into a Christ-like, Bible thumper overnight. All that happened to me then was that I decided to climb aboard the rollercoaster that is Christianity (or at least a rollercoaster for me). That's when my journey began.
I went through many trial and error days of figuring out how I could create thoughtful and meaningful time with Him. Much frustration, threats of giving up, and tear-soaked pillow cases came as a result. However, so did perseverance, hope, and confidence. Confidence in Him, confidence in myself, confidence in the plan that He had for my life.
Despite the rough beginnings, progress was starting to develop. I got rid of toxic friends, removed myself from bad situations, and started correcting poor habits. I started a prayer journal, attended LifeGroups, and even led a LifeGroup of my own. I always joke the greatest influence on my relationship with God was nursing school because the only way I ever got through it was by the grace of God. The anxiety and depression prefaced by yet another failed Mental Health test grade sent me running towards God like I had never ran before. Having constant communication with Him is the only reason why I hold a degree today, and is the reason why I feel for the first time in my life that He's truly a personal friend.
Mind you, as of winter semester (2018) of sophomore year of college, I still had no intention of ever becoming a student missionary. I was that student amongst the crowd at SM vespers that was rolling their eyes at "yet another" sermon that year encouraging students to go be missionaries. I had no interest or desire whatsoever, and figured since God hadn't ever told me to go, He and I were on the same page.
That is until fall of 2018. Somewhere between winter and fall semester of 2018, my opinion changed about being an SM. Instead of being totally against it, I started to think that it might be cool to go to another country, experience another culture. But even still, I'm a huge homebody. I get nervous even thinking about being away from my friends, family, and dog (more importantly) for too long. Plus having traveling as your #1 reason for being an SM is not the right mindset. So basically, I was back to square one. But that quickly changed August 28. It was only the third class period of Archeology and the Old Testament (an R-3 general education requirement) and the professor was telling the class his experience as an SM. Although he was telling the whole class, he concluded his story by looking at ME in eye and saying "If you have the opportunity to go serve as an SM, do it."
Talk about freaky, am I right? (haha)
Fast forward to now. Here I am trying to figure out how to create a blog for my 10 months in Zambia. It's crazy what can happen in your life when you give it all over to God. Despite feeling inadequate, unqualified, and very unlikely to be called, God is using me. And although fear and anxiety are a real thing for me right now, I'm trusting that God has a plan for my life and there's not a doubt in my mind that it's going to be amazing.
Thanks for reading :')