As I sit here in my hammock under the plumeria trees in my front yard, I come to a realization: I’m still just as much of a mess as I was the day I stepped foot in Zambia. In a perfect world, you would’ve thought at this point, with three months left, a student missionary would feel fulfilled, figured out, and at peace. But that‘s just a bunch of rubbish.
I am at my lowest point spiritually. Currently coming out of my 3 week hiatus from my morning devotions, I feel like crap. I feel lost & so far from God. I feel like I should be ashamed to have ever called myself a Christian.
These past two months I’ve let the devil inch his way into my life, unknowingly at first but eventually there was no denying it. It started with allowing myself to day dream about home, about the plans I’ve made for when I get back, the people & places I plan to visit; all things seemingly innocent. Eventually those daydreams started to compare & contrast Zambia to the US, which eventually resulted in me getting irritated & upset that I was still here in Zambia.
Colossians 3:2 “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
I started resenting that I ever became an SM because of the pressure I placed on myself (aka the pressure that I imagined other people giving me). The devil basically convinced me through backwards methods that I was not fit to be in the position that I’m in which is humorous to me that he could still get to me after 6 months. It was ignorant of me to assume that the devil only works to prevent you to ever go in the first place. He doesn’t stop even when you’ve been trying your best for half a year. I was foolish to think I was somehow untouchable.
So here’s where I’m at: still searching for God, still a mess, still need constant encouragement, reading my Bible more, surrendering daily.
It‘s true that I’m spiritually disoriented without a clue as to how to be someone worthy of the titles Christian. It’s true that I feel ten thousand miles from God at the moment & giving me the silent treatment. It’s true that I think I am worse off now than I was when I first began this journey.
Romans 8:39 “...nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Despite all of these negatives & these insecurities that I’m facing, I am choosing to believe that God is working in my life. I am pleading for His forgiveness and slowly getting back on track with Him, trying my best to seek Him with all my heart and to hide His word in my heart (Ps. 119:10-11). I am still in the phase of wanting to truly want these things. I recognize that my heart does not genuinely yearn for a close relationship with Him just yet but I want it to SO BADLY. I want to be like David when he writes “I delight in your decrees” & “My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times”. I want to have that desire and love in my heart but frankly that seems absolutely crazy & incredibly unrealistic for myself. So its like... how do I go from where I am now to anything even remotely in the direction of where David was at??? But now I’m just rambling.
Deep down I trust Him. I trust His guidance. I trust He’s got my back. Now there just needs to be action on my part.
Prayers always appreciated & encouraged.