Why am I here?
What’s God’s plan for these nine months?
Am I really changing lives?
How many more days can I live without eating Taco Bell? (kidding)
These questions have especially been circulating in the back of my mind these past few weeks. Before I left, I had thought about why I personally was choosing to serve in order to focus and reorient myself when times of stress and doubt come my way. But recently I’ve started to realize that that’s not good enough for me, to put it frankly. I know why I chose to be here, but why has God chosen me to be here. I know I’m asking the impossible questions that perhaps I won’t ever know the answers to until we get to heaven, but this blog is meant to be a record of my thoughts and feelings throughout this journey. So here we go. I feel as though the lessons God is teaching me right now are far from what I was expecting. Lessons of patience I’ve never had to face before and for situations I was not anticipating; lessons of willpower and resisting temptation; lessons of true, genuine, and unconditional love; lessons of integrity.
It's been HARD for lack of a better word. I have been presented with situations that have been particularly revealing of my own heart and character, and frankly, I am disappointed with what I have seen.
Now I will proceed to point out to the obvious because I feel like rambling. Being patient with everyone (especially little kids) is hard. Loving all people unconditionally is hard. Keeping your mind fixed only on God, His plan for you, and showing his character to everyone is hard. Living away from family is hard. Putting on a smiling face when you really don’t feel like it is hard. Trying to communicate with locals who do not speak or understand a word of English is hard.
These hard-to-swallow lessons have made me realize that I may not even be in Zambia to influence and change the lives of Zambians. And that’s pretty shocking to me, but maybe it shouldn’t be?? Then again, I bet God probably knocks out a few hundred birds with one stone, and I’ve probably only caught on to one of those plans.
I have recently been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. In a nutshell the book talks about God’s love for us and how we should be responding to His love. To give perspective on how intense of a book it is, the last chapter I read is rather confrontational when it asks difficult questions like “Do you really love God? Or do you simply love the things/blessings that God can give you?” I personally have never been asked that type of question, and it shook me to my core. Although I have been a Christian all my life, my love for God has only recently grown deeper than surface level. It really made me think about not only how I’ve been loving God but how I’ve been loving others. It’s clearly written throughout the Bible that we cannot love others until we understand and accept His love for us. This clearly showed me that the difficult times that I’ve been experiencing very well may be linked to my misunderstanding of how God feels about me and how He expects me to love others. I am so grateful that I have added this book to my morning time with God. It stretches me and makes me uncomfortable being lukewarm Christian. That being said, this growth is a painful, difficult journey that I’m convinced I really suck at. I constantly feel like I’m failing while simultaneously hearing God telling me to keep your head up, don’t lose hope. It’s quite honestly the most exhausting yet exciting experience that I have faced in my 21 years of life.
Prayers always appreciated :')
