Have you ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality test? You know, the four letters that sweet, minimalistic introverts always seem to put in their Instagram bios? I always admire people that relish in their personality type; totally owning up to all the good, bad, and the ugly parts of their personality. They can find the silver lining even in their greatest weaknesses, enough to put it out there on Instagram for the world to see!
I am not like that. I don’t want the world to see my personality’s many weaknesses, mostly because they are so terribly accurate. I greatly appreciate that the test includes the best traits as well as the negatives that each individual can focus on bettering but I am usually not too quick to broadcast that information. HOWEVER, messy spirituality is all about embracing who God has made us to be and recognizing that He will use us regardless of how we feel about ourselves. So here it is…
I’m an ESTJ. Unless you are also an ESTJ, you most likely do not know what that means. My personality type is known as “The Executive.” To sum it up, here is an excerpt from 16personalities.com that I think explains ESTJ pretty clearly and concisely:
“Executives are representatives of tradition and order, utilizing their understanding of what is right, wrong and socially acceptable to bring families and communities together. Embracing the values of honesty, dedication and dignity…”
Like I mentioned earlier, there are negatives to every personality. The main weaknesses that this particular website highlights for fellow ESTJs include:
- Inflexible
- Stubborn
- Uncomfortable with unconventional situations
- Difficult to relax
- Difficulty expressing emotion (aka lacks empathy)
At this time, I’d like to remind you all that you are reading a missionary nurse’s blog. I would also like to point out God’s hilarious sense of humor as well. He really is getting a kick out of me writing this in Zambia across the road from the clinic I work at that barely uses alcohol swabs before giving any injections. Also because… A) nurses are supposed to be the most empathetic profession there is... and B) God sent WHO to be a missionary?? Someone that is by definition “inflexible” and “uncomfortable in unconventional situations” ?????? (sorry for so many question marks I feel it accurate portrays my thoughts. Seriously though, so confused because this describes me rather well).
During this past winter semester when I was taking the SM class to prepare for my time in Zambia, one of the first class periods started out with Christian Bunch writing out the word “FLEXIBLE” on the whiteboard. It was at this moment when I began to sweat. Every time he mentioned that people’s destinations change at the last minute or that they went as nurses but ended up being teachers for the whole year… let’s just say I was sore the next day because of how tense I was. You see, I am a planner. As my personality suggests, I like playing by the rules, and for me, that means signing up to be a nurse, going to the destination you’ve planned on, and being a NURSE. And nothing else :)
Remember that sense of humor of God’s that I mentioned earlier? Rewind to the day that I got picked up from the airport. Ten minutes into the bus ride to Riverside, the driver mentions how I’ll most likely be teaching an Anatomy and Physiology course. HAHA. So funny amiright. (I hope you sense my sarcasm).
I guess the point I’m trying to make is… I really truly believe that anyone can be a missionary. All it takes is a little willingness to step out of your comfort zone (for some, WAY out of your comfort zone) and take a step towards the unknown. I feel like often times we put missionaries in some kind of elite group which makes it difficult (for me at least personally) to answer the call. As I’ve mentioned in my previous posts, I am really spiritually messy. I suck at portraying God’s character to others. I know every nitty gritty detail of my sinful life, and it’s nearly impossible not to compare myself to the people I’ve known to be missionaries before me.
That being said, I have found immense comfort in knowing that all God wants from me is a willing heart and a passion to share His love to others. And it doesn’t even matter that I’m inflexible, stubborn, or super uncomfortable. It doesn’t make any difference if my spiritual life feels “incomplete” or “under construction.” Despite my spiritual clumsiness, confusion, and doubt, God is using me for His work just the same.
(Starting to think these posts have become my own personal pep talks lol. Thanks for reading!)
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